Another Lost RP

I lost a great RP with someone last night. They have my email, but I haven't gotten anything. Of course, it hasn't been a full 24 hours. But I worry maybe they lost the log or my email and won't be able to send it to me. It was omega!Jim, alpha!Seb, Jim paid Seb to pretend to be his Alpha so his father would stop threatening to have someone else give him grandchildren. But he was bugging Sebastian about it. They'd mentioned Seb going into the military. Jim had an older brother in the military. If you know who it is, or it's you, please let me know so we can continue!
                                                                     ~The Blogging Fangirl

Another Note

I don't know what to do.

                                                                ~The Blogging Fangirl

Dark Enough by Amanda Lopiccolo Lyrics (part of)

"I wrote a few notes.
I'm sorry I didn't say.
But my mind was messed up.
You couldn't save me anyway.
And to the girl in the back of the class
who feels the way I did.
How does someone so perfect
feel so insecure
as to scar her skin with cuts and burns
and still want to hurt more?
How does someone so loving
learn to hate her own guts,
drawing a picture on her arms with the blade
as if her mind isn't dark enough
(for her imperfections)? "

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNGEpjXxS10

                                                                         ~The Blogging Fangirl

Be There

Why is it that we think that those who help us never need help? We all claim we'd be there for them if they needed it, but would we really? Would you be there for someone when they need you most, even if you didn't realize how desperate they were? No matter what the situation, please be there. We need you.

                                                                      ~The Blogging Fangirl

Calling All LGBTQ+ and Supporters

A California lawyer, Matthew G. McLaughlin, is trying to get a law passed called "The Sodomite Suppression Act". This would be it perfectly legal for any gay person or "any person who willingly touches another person of the same gender for purposes of sexual gratification" to be shot, "put to death by bullets to the head". I don't want people sending him death threats or anything like that. But please sign this petition to get him disbarred. This should not be allowed to happen. It's a mass murder of a large group of people, some of which you probably know and maybe are good friends with. And where have we seen this before? Oh yeah, the Holocaust. Please put a stop to this. Just 73,664 people left before it reaches its goal.

https://www.change.org/p/california-state-bar-disbar-matthew-gregory-mclaughlin-198329?recruiter=1686836&utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=share_twitter_responsive


                                                                                      ~The Blogging Fangirl

No Cutting Over Zayn (And Leave His Fiancee Alone)

Anyone cutting themselves because Zayn is eaving One Direction needs to cut it out. Same goes for those lashing out at his fiancee. Think about it. Really. Do you think he would want you to cut yourself over him? And you claim to love him. If you really did, you'd want him to be happy. Even if it's not with you. That's what it really means to love someone. To want what's best for them and what makes them happiest. He's happy with her. Let him be happy. Think about what happened when Benedict Cumberbatch announced his engagement to Sophie Hunter. The media made it seem like everyone panicked. But his fans all supported him and still do. 

Same goes for when they announced that Sophie is pregnant.

Please just calm down. It's perfectly fine to cry over him leaving. But don't cut yourself and don't lash out at his fiancee. Let him be happy. Please. 

                                                                      ~The Blogging Fangirl

Three Rumi Quotes

                                                                     ~The Blogging Fangirl

Don't Assume

Just because I'm quiet, don't assume I'm not listening.
Just because you don't see me, don't assume I don't cry.
Just because I smile, don't assume I'm always happy.
You don't know what I'm hiding. You don't know the pillows my shower and pillow have collected. You don't know the problems swimming around inside my head. Depression can hide behind many masks. But that doesn't mean it's not there. You have to read behind the lines. And just because you may be upset doesn't mean you're the only one who is. Just because you cried all morning doesn't mean I haven't been crying inside for years. I've just had more practice learning to bottle it up. To hide it. To put it where no one sees it and to brave through it. Because I can't let anyone see my weakness. I can't let anyone see it hurts me. Because then I'm weak. Then I'm a drama queen. Then it gets worse. And I'm pushed and pushed and pushed until I can't take it anymore. I explode. And then, like a star, I die. I disappear. And everyone pretends to have loved me and cared for me and protected me. No one ever notices how broken you are until you've exploded and died out.

"Funny, when you're dead, how people start listening." -'If I Die Young' by The Band Perry
                                                                  ~The Blogging Fangirl

Comment

I hate everything. Why am I on the planet? Why am I here?

                                                         ~The Blogging Fangirl

A Couple of Pictures from Pride

                                                                     ~The Blogging Fangirl

Unwilling or Depressed?

I haven't been feeling well today. I had my highs and my lows. At some points, I felt amazing, like I could do anything. I felt confident and happy. And then at other points, I felt awful. Sick. Like I was worthless and couldn't do anything. Even small things couldn't motivate me to get out of bed. And then I would accomplish small things, and that made me feel good. I started thinking (never a good idea.) There are a lot of people who will tell you about chores and things that you can have your children do. They'll tell you 'Don't mistake 'unwilling' with 'unable'.' Basically meaning that just because your child is unwilling to do something doesn't mean they are unable. But I feel there should be another warning. Don't confuse 'depressed' with 'unwilling'. There are people who are incredibly depressed, which makes finding motivation to do things near impossible. They may want to do something, but they can't make themselves get up. It's not because they're unwilling to do it. It's because they can't make themselves do it. There's something in their mind making them hate themselves and keeping them from doing anything but that. Keep that in mind.
                                                                        ~The Blogging Fangirl

Too Much

I wanted to cry today. Every so often, the noise gets to be a bit too much for me. I hate hearing multiple conversations overlapping one another. I can't process everything and it makes my head hurt. On top of that, my depression seems to be getting worse. I don't know if it's bipolar disorder or just depression, or something else. But whatever it is, it's gnawing at me every day and making me feel worse and worse. 
                                                               ~The Blogging Fangirl

Conference Advice

I was at a conference today and I left with some of the best advice and the best feeling I've ever had. I felt so much more confident once I left and so much more valuable. It was like someone had implanted confidence and motivation in me. The advice that I received was to be confident. And if I don't feel confident, fake it. Make people believe you're confident, even if you don't feel you are. Because most of the time, no one else will know either way. They'll just think you're confident. It's really great information. 
                                                                       ~The Blogging Fangirl

A Note

                            I don't know.

                                           ~The Blogging Fangirl

Depression Explanation

For those of you who don't know how to depression really works, allow me to educate you. It's not a constant sadness. At least, not at first. It's little times when you feel basically nothing but sadness. You feel empty. Hollow. It's really different for each person. For me, I can know and comprehend that people around me care for me. But I can't make myself feel anything for them during that time. All I feel is loneliness. Sadness. Like I could disappear off the face of the earth and no one would notice. Other times, I feel like I'm on top of the world. Like I could do anything. Over all, I don't know what to do.
                                                                       ~The Blogging Fangirl

Even More Depressed

                                                                      ~The Blogging Fangirl

Beware the Ides of March

                                                                     ~The Blogging Fangirl

Male Pregnancy

This is just a little something to bring more awareness and less hate. In case you didn't know, it is possible for males to get pregnant. FtM (Female to Male) trans men (can) still have a uterus, and can therefore carry a child. It's also been proven that a child can still grow in the abdominal cavity rather than in a uterus. So if a male has fertilized eggs, he can have a baby. It's just more dangerous. There's studies being done now on Male Pregnancy. So anyone who says it's impossible, think again.

http://www.malepregnancy.com/science/  and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Male_pregnancy

                                                                    ~The Blogging Fangirl

Be Kind

I want to take this opportunity to tell you all to pay attention and be kind to everyone. You never know what someone is going through. No one knows that I self-harm, or that my Grandma is in the hospital with congestive heart failure. But I've had people say kind things to me that have really cheered me up. Especially when I was teetering on the edge of one of my black moods and needed the help most. Other people complained to me about their own problems. Don't get me wrong, I love helping and being needed. But not when I'm already on the edge of a breakdown and ready to jump off a cliff. Just be careful, pay attention, and be kind.
                                                                      ~The Blogging Fangirl

Depression Songs

I've been feeling really depressed lately, so I wanted to share my depressed playlist.

Close to the Edge by Cameron Brown- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=klCbL3RI3nI

Dark Enough by Amanda Lopiccolo (Self Harm & Suicide)- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNGEpjXxS10

His Daughter by Molly Kate Kestner (alcoholism, self harm)- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3iFKeYzHxU

Goodbye (I'm Sorry) by Jamestown Story (suicide)- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rq09u1qWHos

Battle Scars by Paradise Fears- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyIqdzhen8Q

Note about Suicide- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82a0ftuy46E

                                                                       ~The Blogging Fangirl

Home Again

I just got home and I'm glad to be back. Retreat was great, but I'm glad to be home. I need to shower and sleep. There's not much I can say, so I'll just give you all this picture by Puivei.

~The Blogging Fangirl

On Retreat

By the time you read this, I'll be on retreat with a large part of my class. Hopefully I'm packed properly. I'm really nervous about how it will all turn out. I don't want to end up crying in front of everyone or getting in trouble, especially for something stupid. Not to mention that my girlfriend is coming on this retreat too, so I'm going to be doing whatever we do in front of her. I'm really, really nervous about this.Wish me luck!
                                                               ~The Blogging Fangirl

Do Something Important

I don't even really know what to say today. But it's better than keeping things bottled up. I suppose it's good for me to write things here, no matter how many people may read them. And who knows? Maybe someone will find my blog in the future and use it as an insight into how we lived way back in 2015. I know it's far fetched and probably never going to happen, but who can blame me for dreaming? I just hope that, if someone does read it, they can at least get a little insight into how my mind works. Or how someone in the 21st Century might've lived. Or how depression sometimes works. I don't know. Really, I just want to do something important.
                                                                      ~The Blogging Fangirl

The Burden Of Service

You know, people never think about the person who listens to them and helps them with all of their problems. What about that friend? The one who listens. The one who solves your problems with you. Who plays therapist. Who always gives you advice. Don't they have problems too? And I'm sure we've all said, 'If you've ever got a problem, just tell me. I'll be there.' But how often do we mean it? And even if we do, would they really come to us? I'm one of those people who listens, but never voices her own problems. I feel like I'm burdening people when I admit there's something bothering me. They don't deserve that trouble anymore than I do. I don't want to give it to them. But listening to so many problems, helping with them, and dealing with my own........It's a massive burden. I love helping, I do. It makes me feel great. But after a while, you get to a point when you're wondering why no one ever offers help anymore. And then you reach the point in it all where you don't want their help anymore. You don't know what you'd do if they even offered help, because you've gone so long without anyone offering. You wouldn't know what to do. You insist everything's perfect and there's no problem in your life that you can't solve. And no one ever notices until it's too late. Until your life comes crumbling down and no one can help you. 'Tis the burden of service.
                                                                     ~The Blogging Fangirl 

Depressed And Retreat

Today's not been my day. I've been sick all day, and depressed near the end. I wanted to talk to my best friend, since she goes to a different school now and we haven't gotten to talk much. But I've been so stuffed up, I didn't want to call her until I felt better. But nothing seems to help with that, so I think I'll call her tomorrow. I'm tired, sore, sick, depressed. It's just bad. And I'm going on a retreat I don't really want to be on anymore on Tuesday. I have to go, but I'm worried. I hate people seeing me cry and I tend to do that when I have to share about my life. It's personal and, whether it hurts or not, I have a tendency to cry. I hate it, but it happens. Wish me luck.
                                                                     ~The Blogging Fangirl

Sick

I've been sick and sneezing all day and I hate it. I just want to be left alone, but people keep wanting to talk to me and asking me to do things. I want to sleep, but I want to get things done. I don't know how to handle everything and I really just want to lay down and die. I'm sore now, especially on my left side. My stomach is still bothering sometimes and I really hope this is just a cold and not the beginnings of the flu. 
                                                                     ~The Blogging Fangirl

Website

Sorry I didn't really make much of a post last night. I was working on my website for one of my Facebook pages: The Outcasts. It's a website about various sexual orientations, romantic orientations, sexualities, and (soon) genders. I want everyone who's curious to be able to learn about all of these things and not get confused by all of the terms. Hopefully it will help.
                                                                              ~The Blogging Fangirl

Book Picture

~The Blogging Fangirl

Today Was Awful

I was a bit better today, but it still feels like the depression is here to stay. I had a few happy points, but not much. It wasn't enough to make much of a difference. I just hope that I can help others who feel like this. I feel like sh*t right now and I just want to curl up and die. Especially with this nasty dry cough I've got. Nothing seems to be getting better and I hate it. I feel like I'm going to be sick for most of the day and it's all awful.
                                                                     ~The Blogging Fangirl

Depression

My day hasn't been the best. I didn't get much sleep last night, because I took a really late, long nap yesterday afternoon. So I was exhausted today. I've had a slight headache and been really irritable. I've had some moments when I'm perfectly fine, and the next I don't want to speak to anyone. People are starting to notice. My dad asked why I was 'so snippy'. My mom texted me at school to see if I was okay. In English, my partner and I were first and we weren't really prepared, so that really made things worse. I've really just been having an awful day. My depression is taking over and I hate it, but I can't help it.
                                                                        ~The Blogging Fangirl

Bad Weekend

This weekend's been rough for me. I've been depressed for a good deal of it and just slept. I didn't want to do anything. Saturday was closing night and today's just been awful. I teared up, I was tapped on the face, I was in a bad mood. I just wanted nothing to do with anyone. I wanted to go into the bathroom and cry. I didn't even answer my younger cousins. I eventually interacted with them, just so they wouldn't worry I didn't like them. I love them, but I didn't want anything to do with anyone. My stepmother scolded me over nothing, she was commenting on how she didn't get a schedule for play rehearsals from me, and she degraded me all night. Everyone's been talking over me and ignoring me and I just felt like I could disappear and all they'd talk about was my mistakes. So I think for Lent, what I'm going to do is try to discover myself and write a letter each day to see how I progress over each day. We'll see. 
                                                                  ~The Blogging Fangirl