Back Where I Started

                                                                      ~The Blogging Fangirl

Me Today

Little Toy Guns by Carrie Underwood

Are You Happy Now? by Megan and Liz

                                                                       ~The Blogging Fangirl

Dress Shopping

I went out dress shopping with my mom, grandma, younger sister, and soon-to-be stepdad today. It was to get dresses for my mom's 2nd marriage. My grandma constantly comments on clothes that I'm thinking about buying or that I try on. She always thinks they're too short or show too much skin, especially if it's one with a hole in the back. I tried out five different dresses, finally ending up with one I really like. But while I was in the dressing room, changing back into my clothes, I could hear them murmuring, and my grandma commenting on the dresses. My mind decided that they must all be talking about the dresses I'd tried on and how they made me look. I thought I was being bullied by my own family, and that seriously hurt me. I decided to go shopping on my own to find something so that I could have time to cool down and relax. My mom followed me and ended up pulling the dress I was wearing so she could catch up to me. She kept wanting to talk, but she needed to leave me alone. Not because I was angry. Because I needed time to myself to calm down. Just a note for everyone, talking to someone while they're upset is not a good idea. You need to wait a little while so everyone can calm down. Anyway, I still haven't told her about why I was upset and why I left. I think my reaction has to do with my depression, and the fact that I was bullied as a kid. I didn't realize that I'd been bullied until I became a teenager though, so there wasn't anything I could do. I don't know..... I just know it made my mood worse.

                                                                       ~The Blogging Fangirl

Same Sex Marriage Legal in Mexico

Mexico has approved same-sex marriage

Mexico's constitution has made it legal for people of the same sex to get married! It's been legal in Canada. Now it's legal in the USA and Mexico!

                                                                        ~The Blogging Fangirl

#LoveWins

                                                                    ~The Blogging Fangirl

I'm Fine

                                                                      ~The Blogging Fangirl

Quiet and Privacy

Would it really be too much to ask to have a moment where I don't have to listen to anyone? Where no one is talking and I can just enjoy what I want to watch or listen to?

And there's something else that I feel I need to address. A lot of parents will demand to have every account username and password, as well as passwords for any devices. I understand that many do it to protect their children. But privacy is a basic human need. Not only that, but it can also set off people's anxiety or other mental conditions even if there isn't anything they're hiding there. I'm not hiding anything on my phone, yet I still don't want people looking through it. It's a matter of privacy and feeling like there's something that is mine and mine alone, and that I control.

Humans Need Privacy Article

                                                                              ~The Blogging Fangirl

Why Can't We Just Be Happy?

Why is it that humans feel a constant need to judge other humans? Why can't we just be happy with our own lives and let others be happy with theirs? We constantly judge others, sometimes hating them for not thinking or looking the way we do.

                                                                       ~The Blogging Fangirl

My New Story

My depression has gotten a bit better now that I've given myself a project. I'm writing a story and I might get it self published. Once it's finished, I'm going to send it to a few peers to review and improve it, then maybe publish it. We'll see how it ends up.

The story itself is about two different women. One is trans, born a male. She experiences gender dysphoria and suicidal thoughts. The other is from India and is asexual panromantic. There is also feminism. There's a lot to the story and we'll have to wait and see where it ends up. Even I don't know yet.
                                                                     ~The Blogging Fangirl

Sunday

                                           Happy Sunday!

                                                                       ~The Blogging Fangirl

Saturday

                                Enjoy your Saturday!

                                                                    ~The Blogging Fangirl

This Weekend

I have to go to my dad's apartment this weekend. Part of it, we'll be celebrating my birthday (which was on Tuesday). The other part, we'll be celebrating Father's Day. I just hope we don't end up sending me to the dentist this weekend. If he does, I'm going to really want to kill someone. I already want to kill myself. And no, I don't want pity for that. When I say it, I mean it. I just want you to know how I feel. I don't want anyone to pity me.
                                                                     ~The Blogging Fangirl

Misunderstood

My grandma is complaining about everything. I think she's just looking for an excuse to be mad at my mom. She's told me that I can tell my mother 'go to hell'. She went on a rant about how she wouldn't leave my mom any money even if she had a million dollars. And she said she didn't care about her or the wedding. What sparked this rage? She thought my mom blocked her from emailing her. I just went through it all with her and showed her that the little 'x' by my mom's name in the email address is giving my grandma the option to block my mom, not telling her that my mom blocked her.
                                                                    ~The Blogging Fangirl

Nice Quotes

                                                                       ~The Blogging Fangirl

My Birthday

Today was my 16th birthday. At 3:30 pm on this day 16 years ago, I was born. I hadn't even thought about my birthday this year. I thought I'd be dead by now. I might be, come tomorrow morning. I don't know. But I'm 16 years old. Old enough to legally consent to sex. Old enough to drive. But not old enough to move out or make my own choices regarding many things. I've enjoyed today though. I smiled and laughed until my face hurt. I got some money to spend whenever and however I want. And I got to spend time with some family where no one made fun of me.
                                                                           ~The Blogging Fangirl

Therapist Hunting

I was looking into therapists this morning so I could pick one. I don't want to leave it completely up to my parents, or they'd be searching forever to find one that would work for me. But when I search, I can find plenty that fit what I'm looking for and that I think I would be comfortable with. I have them arranged in various ways, including: Alphabetical, price, location, and preference. That way, they can pick one that I will (hopefully) like, that's fairly close by, and that isn't outrageously priced.
                                                                  ~The Blogging Fangirl

Small Steps

I've had a conversation over text with my mom about my depression. I told her everything. She knows how I've been feeling. After I told her what was going on and we talked, I felt a lot better. Obviously it didn't magically cure my depression. But we're taking small steps in the right direction. We're going to look into therapy. I told her that talking alone wasn't going to fix this. But it is a step in the right direction. Hopefully I'll end up on antidepressants soon and can start to get better. But right now, I'm starting to feel worse again. I feel like I'm about to shut down. I'm getting closer to feeling suicidal again.
                                                                     ~The Blogging Fangirl

Trying to Get Better

Sorry my post is so late tonight. There's just a lot going on. I finally am telling my mom about my depression and suicidal thoughts. I left a three page letter, hand written on loose leaf, about how I feel and what's been going on, as well as the possibility of being hospitalized on suicide watch. I don't know what's going to happen next. Odds are, if my scheduled post 'Suicide Success' posts tomorrow, I'm in the hospital on suicide watch. I don't know what's going to happen. But I'm trying to get better. Wish me luck!
                                                               ~The Blogging Fangirl

Hospital Suicide Watch

I've been looking into going to a hospital on suicide watch. I just don't know how I'd get there. I worry that if I tell a parent, I'd just end up with a therapist. Under suicide watch at a hospital, I'd have a team of medical professionals working with me to make sure I get better. I'd have a therapist, nurses, doctors. Everything I could need to keep me safe from myself. I'd need to stay there for two or three days. There'd be a set schedule and observation. There would be group therapy that I could choose to go to. But really, I'd probably end up staying there for a while, trying a few different drugs with my doctors to see what works best for me, and then going home.
                                                                   ~The Blogging Fangirl

Failed Again

I failed again. I tied the necktie around my neck and managed to go to sleep. But I still woke up. I tried putting a trashbag over my head and tying it closed. But I got hot and my lungs started to feel odd. My body was starting to panic a little even when my mind wasn't. I ended up taking the bag off of my head. I'm a failure.
                                                                  ~The Blogging Fangirl

My Mood

                                                                        ~The Blogging Fangirl

Tonight

I can't seem to feel anything right now. Emotionally, I mean. I just feel empty and suicidal. I can't wait to be gone. It'll happen tonight, I'm sure. Either that, or I'll wake up with a headache in the hospital on suicide watch. I don't know. But I really don't want to wake up.
                                                              ~The Blogging Fangirl

Suicidal

I want to die. 

                                                                     ~The Blogging Fangirl

Feminism

My stepmother told me "I don't need feminism. I like having my husband pump gas and cook dinner for me". I wanted to smack her. That's not what feminism is. What she said were examples of nice gestures. Plenty of married feminists will tell you that and that their husbands do things like that. Feminism is about equality, not who does the shopping and cooking.

                                                                       ~The Blogging Fangirl

Suicidal People Aren't Selfish

I don't think people really realize what depression is and how it feels. They don't realize how it really is. I've listened to someone tell me how selfish suicidal people are. How all they think about is how I'm sad and I want to die. How they don't think about everyone they're leaving behind and how it will effect them. I listened to the guy say "I get it's a mental illness. I get that. But I will never forgive him for taking his life." Well I've been in the position of the suicidal person. I'm still in that position. And I can tell you that everything he said triggered me and was wrong. Because I can't tell you how many times I've thought of the people I'll be leaving behind. How it will effect them. I wanted to slap him and go kill myself. People don't understand and they need to realize that.
                                                                      ~The Blogging Fangirl

Memorial Video

I made a memorial video for myself. It's of me, actually. For my family and friends to watch once I've committed suicide. It has pictures of me from when I was younger to now and is set to the song Why by Rascal Flatts. It's a great song and it really describes me and my struggle with depression. I have the full video ready. It took me about 3 hours to complete and save, but it's ready. I just hope they get my message from it. 
                                                                        ~The Blogging Fangirl

Fears of the Dentist

So my mouth hurts and I really don't want to go to the dentist. I have a feeling my dad will want to take us over this weekend, since it's his weekend. I'm afraid I'll have more cavities and she'll continue to talk down to me and make me feel bad. I really am trying my best and I hate the way she makes me feel. I'm also afraid that I may need my wisdom teeth out. I'm not really worried about the pain, though I'm sure it would be awful afterwards. I'm just worried about what I'd say while I was still coming off the gas. I don't want to give away anything. None of my family or friends know about my blog or my rp email, and I don't want to give that away. I also don't want to end up telling my dad's side of the family how I feel about them. And I haven't told my dad about being pansexual yet. There's so many things I don't tell them and I don't want them finding out while I don't know what I'm saying. 
                                                                  ~The Blogging Fangirl

Bible and Gays

First, I want to apologize for my fellow (Roman) Catholics, and humans. I know many are just trying to follow their religion the best way they know how. But others use religion as a reason to hate. And neither is correct.
I think people forget that, regardless of what the Bible may say, we are meant to live by the example of Jesus Christ and follow the Ten Commandments. Jesus walked with those no one else would touch. And in the Ten Commandments, no where does it mentions gays.
Examples people use and a way to argue against:

Ex. Leviticus (Any example)
      Argument: Leviticus also says that you shouldn't touch lepers. Jesus did that. It says that you shouldn't touch a woman or anything she has touched while she is on her period or after childbirth. I highly doubt many (if any) people follow that.

Ex. 1 Corinthians 6:9-11
        Argument: It has a 'but'! It's not 'gays and everyone else on this list are bad.' It says '...you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.'

Ex. Romans 1:26-28
        Argument: It says 'shameless'. They wanted each other and didn't care if others disagreed. God let them do it. It may say God let them do what they shouldn't, but it doesn't really specify what that is.

Ex. 1 Timothy 1:10-11
       Argument: First, this isn't even a full sentence. It doesn't specify what happens to the people in that list. It's just a list of people. And second, does anyone really know what 'sound doctrine' is? Exactly what it is? Or what it meant to Timothy?

Ex. Mark 10:6-9
        Argument: Adam and Eve were made up! It's a story. And this passage is really about marriage and not separating from your spouse.

Ex. Scripture referring to 'sexual immorality'
          Argument: Does anyone know what the actual definition of 'sexual immorality' is? Or what is was back then?

Ex. 1 Corinthians 7:2-5
         Argument: What about people who don't get married? 

For those who argue that gay marriage isn't lawful because it is meant for procreation, take a look at Luke 23:29:"For behold, the days are coming when they will say, 'Blessed are the barren and the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed!' "

People who hate gays (or anyone): Look at 1 John 2:9 :"Whoever says he is in the light and hates his brother is still in darkness."

1 John 4:8: "Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love."

Remember Romans 13:8-10, which states that you should love your neighbor as yourself. Love does no wrong to a neighbor. It sums up every commandment and God's wishes.

So please, just remember these things when you go to argue for or against something. I, personally, don't believe that God would condemn anyone for following their heart. It may be wrong by my morals for someone to do something, but I am not God. Who am I to judge? As James 4:12 says, "There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?"
                                                                    ~The Blogging Fangirl

Mouth Pain

I can't tell if the pain in my mouth is wisdom teeth or something else. I just really hope it isn't a cavity, or multiple cavities. My dentist seems to have a habit of talking down to me whenever I have cavities. She acts like I'm a moron or something. I know I need to brush better. You don't need to stare at me like that and act like I can't understand you.
                                                                       ~The Blogging Fangirl

Dentist

I'm finally finished with school for the year, unless I failed a class. I have all summer to relax. Except for the fact that I just found out last night that I have to go to the dentist sometime this month. I just hope that I have no or few cavities. My mouth hurts already, just in preparation for it. I've been brushing and flossing like crazy. I'm tempted to just tell my dad no, I won't go since he didn't tell me about it.
                                                                   ~The Blogging Fangirl