~The Blogging Fangirl
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Monday, December 28, 2015
I've Been Sick
Sorry I didn't post for a few days. I've been sick/recuperating and wasn't quite feeling up to posting. But I've gotten better bit by bit. I'm still working on getting back to full health. But I'm not throwing up anymore and I don't have a fever. I'm just a little dizzy, which upsets my stomach. Hopefully it will stop soon. But, from being sick, I lost about 5 1/2 lbs. Not that throwing up and not eating should be your go to solution for losing weight. Just a little observation I made, because I weigh myself every time just before I take a shower.
~The Blogging Fangirl
~The Blogging Fangirl
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
AO3
I got an AO3 (archive of our own) account! My username is Inner_Devil, if you want to check out my fics. :)
~The Blogging Fangirl
~The Blogging Fangirl
Sunday, December 20, 2015
Saturday, December 19, 2015
Friday, December 18, 2015
Thursday, December 17, 2015
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Wrote a Note Today
My depression was bad today and I ended up writing this:
I wish there was something I could do. I feel useless. Even when I'm given instructions, it seems like I can't get anything right. I just ruin everything I touch.
I'm sorry, Donny. I said I'd leave you alone and give you space so you could heal. But apparently I can't even get that right. I'm sorry for suffocating you and being so needy and making you feel even worse. It was never my intention. Really, all I was trying to do was help. But it seems I've made things worse. But don't blame yourself when I'm gone. It's not your fault. It's only mine. I told you I wouldn't kill myself because of anything you do. I'm not. Whatever I do to myself is my own fault.
I don't know what's wrong with me. Yes, I have depression. But even as I write this, that's not what I'm feeling. It's not sadness or suicidality or anything like that. It's apathy. Emptiness. All I want is to fade away. Maybe it's because I haven't taken any medicine for the past few days.
I'm sorry. This probably hurts you. But I had to write it down. Otherwise it only could have gotten worse. None of this is meant to hurt you and I hope it doesn't kill you. I would hate for the world to miss out on knowing such an amazing human being.
I feel like I'm not meant to be here anymore, like something is calling me home. It feels like it's my time to go. I see things sometimes. Hallucinations, I guess. But they look like ghosts to me. They keep coming closer and it seems like they're trying to take me with them. Maybe it's just my imagination. Or maybe I'm crazy. Who knows.
I'm going to miss you, but this is for the best. Please stay alive. Grow old. Be an ASL interpreter. And show everyone who doesn't like you just how wrong they are. I care so much about you, babe. I'll be watching over you.
Love, your girlfriend
~The Blogging Fangirl
I wish there was something I could do. I feel useless. Even when I'm given instructions, it seems like I can't get anything right. I just ruin everything I touch.
I'm sorry, Donny. I said I'd leave you alone and give you space so you could heal. But apparently I can't even get that right. I'm sorry for suffocating you and being so needy and making you feel even worse. It was never my intention. Really, all I was trying to do was help. But it seems I've made things worse. But don't blame yourself when I'm gone. It's not your fault. It's only mine. I told you I wouldn't kill myself because of anything you do. I'm not. Whatever I do to myself is my own fault.
I don't know what's wrong with me. Yes, I have depression. But even as I write this, that's not what I'm feeling. It's not sadness or suicidality or anything like that. It's apathy. Emptiness. All I want is to fade away. Maybe it's because I haven't taken any medicine for the past few days.
I'm sorry. This probably hurts you. But I had to write it down. Otherwise it only could have gotten worse. None of this is meant to hurt you and I hope it doesn't kill you. I would hate for the world to miss out on knowing such an amazing human being.
I feel like I'm not meant to be here anymore, like something is calling me home. It feels like it's my time to go. I see things sometimes. Hallucinations, I guess. But they look like ghosts to me. They keep coming closer and it seems like they're trying to take me with them. Maybe it's just my imagination. Or maybe I'm crazy. Who knows.
I'm going to miss you, but this is for the best. Please stay alive. Grow old. Be an ASL interpreter. And show everyone who doesn't like you just how wrong they are. I care so much about you, babe. I'll be watching over you.
Love, your girlfriend
~The Blogging Fangirl
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Can't Help
I wish I knew how to make people better. Physically, mentally, everything. I just want to help people and make the world better. But I can't even do something as simple as cheering someone up. I give shit advice and I can't help anyone. Why do I even bother? I want to help and even when I'm told how, I can't seem to get it right. I should just stop trying.
~The Blogging Fangirl
~The Blogging Fangirl
Monday, December 14, 2015
Saturday, December 12, 2015
Time to Heal
My boyfriend and I decided to take a break. Not a break up. Just a break. He needs some time to get his mental health stable again. We both have depression and I know how hard it can be to balance a relationship and mental health disorder. I tried to do it with my ex and I failed. My depression was at the all time low and my ex was putting pressure on me to pay attention to them. I couldn't give both things my full attention and my relationship suffered, even though it would've crumbled after a little while anyway. I didn't really like them all that much. I'm not sure why I said yes when they asked me out. I think I was just amazed that someone would want me. But now I have someone that I really want to be with and can envision the rest of my life with, even though we're technically still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship. I'll give him anything he wants, really. As long as it doesn't hurt anyone. He needs time and space to get better and I'm willing to give him that. I want him to be okay, so he can take all the time he needs. Our relationship is still intact and we'll still be together after this. He just needs time to heal.
~The Blogging Fangirl
~The Blogging Fangirl
Friday, December 11, 2015
Late Arrival Day
I have a late arrival day at school, so I figured I'd type up a blog post now. Not much has happened, since it's not even 8 am here yet. But I have to wait with my grandma so she can drive me to school in a while. That means an extra hour or so of listening to her talk about pointless, random things. I love her, don't get me wrong. But I can only listen to her complain for so long before I need some space. And I come back here after school every day anyway, so I already listen to her for hours on end. I don't want to be at school anyway, but I need to go. But I have to miss one of my favorite classes, Psychology, because of the late arrival. I still have to have precal and theology today though, which I hate. I hate math and I hate my theology teacher.
~The Blogging Fangirl
~The Blogging Fangirl
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Monday, December 7, 2015
Emotionally Abusive Parent
Sorry I haven't been posting much. It's been pretty crazy with my life. My father has been being emotionally abusive towards me and continues to deny it. He's blamed me for having depression and for not wanting to be around people who trigger it. He treats me like I don't matter and I'm through with it. My mom and I talked and we plan to go to court and change the custody agreement. I'm old enough now that I can decide if I want to see him. I don't and I've told her that. So we're going to go to court and change it so he doesn't have custody over me anymore.
~The Blogging Fangirl
~The Blogging Fangirl
Sunday, December 6, 2015
Happy Birthday!
Happy 51st birthday to "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" movie. It's stop motion and was animated by Rankin/Bass Productions December 6, 1964. Happy Birthday!
~The Blogging Fangirl
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Monday, November 30, 2015
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Want to Help
I hate not knowing how to help. My boyfriend has a few mental disorders that tend to put stress on him. But by not telling me, it stresses me out too. I want to be there for him. I want to help. But I can't if I don't know. He keeps trying to protect me and make sure I'm safe and healthy and happy. But I can't do the same for him and it worries me a lot. I don't ever want to lose him and I worry that I might sometimes because I don't know when he's feeling awful. I want to know. I want to help.....
~The Blogging Fangirl
~The Blogging Fangirl
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Christmas Wishlist Done
I finally got my Christmas wishlist together so that I can give it to people so they know what to get me. I still have to split it up so I can give each person their individual list though. I can't give everyone the same list or I could end up with doubles of some things. So I split it up every year for my mom and stepdad, dad and stepmother, grandma, nana and pop, and step-grandparents.
~The Blogging Fangirl
~The Blogging Fangirl
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Long Distance Video Chat
Sorry I haven't been very active lately! I've been busy with school and extracurriculars. Last night I was video chatting with my long distance boyfriend for the first time. We talked for two hours and I didn't even notice. I've never met anyone that I've meshed with so well so early on. He's great, really. He's cute and funny and we have really similar personalities, so we're a good fit with one another. We do have some differences, so it's not like we have to do everything together or anything. We're separate at times and we can do our own things. But it's nice to have a lot in common and still be able to share new things with one another.
~The Blogging Fangirl
~The Blogging Fangirl
Friday, November 20, 2015
Dumped Again
I hate myself. I was dating someone else after my ex dumped me and I thought it was going so well. But apparently I was wrong. The guy I was dating decided he didn't want a long distance relationship and dumped me. I feel like garbage. To make things worse, my mom pissed me off and my stepdad decided to tease me right after that. My depression is back full force now and I'm ready to die.
~The Blogging Fangirl
~The Blogging Fangirl
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Busy
Sorry I haven't updated lately. I've been incredibly busy and stressed lately. I've had to figure out my life and try to get things done in enough time. I probably failed my test today because I was so busy with other things, but I'll be all right.
~The Blogging Fangirl
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Monday, November 16, 2015
Sunday, November 15, 2015
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Monday, November 9, 2015
Friday, November 6, 2015
Wish Me Luck
Sorry I didn't update yesterday. I had to be at rehearsal until 9:30 pm. And I had a show tonight, which is why I wasn't able to update until right now. I'm really exhausted, but the night went fairly well. I just hope tomorrow goes as well, if not better. I have volunteering in the morning, then a show, lunch, another show, then home.
~The Blogging Fangirl
~The Blogging Fangirl
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
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