Sick And Thoughts Of Death

Unfortunately, I wasn't feeling very well yesterday, so I couldn't eat as much as I would've liked. My stomach hurt, I had a headache, and my entire body was sore. I felt awful. I slept plenty last night though, ate some lunch today, and am now feeling much better. I'm still sick, but yesterday seemed to be the worst of it. I still seem to have that UTI I posted about before though. It's been weeks and still nothing. I haven't done anything to get rid of it though. It seems to go away sometimes, but reappear others. I couldn't make myself swallow that cranberry supplement like I did before, so I haven't taken those either. I probably should though. It might be what's making me feel so awful. Combined with my usual winter allergies/cold. You know, last night I felt so awful, I kept thinking 'I am going to die.' And I was okay with that. I laid down on the floor and asked to be taken away, to be lifted into heaven so I wouldn't need to suffer anymore. Obviously that didn't happen, but I do feel better. But that's the thing. I sat there thinking I was dieing and I was okay with that. I knew it would happen some day. But the more I thought about it, the more I thought about how that's not how I want to go. I want it to be quick. I want to die in my sleep, like my Grandpa. Or maybe through a quick, painless poison or injection. I don't want it to be slow. So that's what I thought of. And that's what I still think of. My mind's a dark place, everyone. And this is just a little snippet of what's going on inside it.
                                                                 ~The Blogging Fangirl