Last Day

Last day of school tomorrow. I honestly can't wait for it to end. I think I have a few days to myself afterwards before my siblings are out of school too. I hope so. I love them, but I really need some time to myself sometimes. Especially right now.
                                                                      ~The Blogging Fangirl

Something to Listen To

Just a bit of music that I've been enjoying lately. By the way, if you haven't read Jane Eyre, I strongly recommend it. The first half is a bit tough to get through, and it's older English, but it's a great book. At least, it's one of my top picks.

Jane Eyre Soundtrack (Broadway)

                                                                   ~The Blogging Fangirl

A Day

I'm okay, if anyone was wondering. 

My cat got out and was visiting the neighbors, so we had a nice afternoon in the front yard while she got attention from the neighbor kids.
                                                                       ~The Blogging Fangirl

Don't Know

I don't know what's going to happen next. I have the day to myself today and tomorrow. I don't know if my mood is going to get better. 
                                                                        ~The Blogging Fangirl

Couldn't, But Try Again

I couldn't do it. Not last night. I was too tired. But I'm going to try tonight. At least, I plan to. I can't take this anymore. It all annoys me so much sometimes. I just need to leave all of this behind. All of the pain and annoyance and everything. 
                                                                        ~The Blogging Fangirl

Attempt Two

It didn't work. It would've, if I hadn't been interrupted. I sent a suicide note to someone, and she kept me talking all night. I only got three hours of sleep, but it kept me alive. I'm trying again tonight though.
                                                                        ~The Blogging Fangirl

Suicide Plan

I've figured out my suicide now. I practiced today to see which would be my best option, a tie or some yarn. The tie won, though I kept the yarn as a back up. I'm strangling myself tonight. I'll be unconscious first, then killed, making it easier for me. You'll all receive an update tomorrow as to whether or not it actually worked. But no matter what, thanks for reading.
                                                             ~The Blogging Fangirl

Lonely

Sometimes it feels like nobody really wants me here. 
                                                ~The Blogging Fangirl

The Day

Got out of a weekend with my dad. Wrote a letter to Andrew Scott. My friend never came today. I was really disappointed. I would've understood if she'd texted me to tell me she wasn't coming.
                                                              ~The Blogging Fangirl

Not Coming

I have to tell my dad that I'm not coming over this weekend and I'm worried about how he'll take it. I just don't want to deal with him guilt tripping me again. I'm thinking about giving him one day, since I have a long weekend. The thing is, I have a friend who I haven't gotten to see in a long time. She might be coming over this Saturday. And then I was going to use the rest of the weekend to study for finals, which start on Wednesday. He just doesn't understand that my mom's house is a much more productive space for me to study. I can get things done there, and I can't in the apartment. It's just not a good space for me there. I need to be here, and he doesn't get that. As he put it, I'm 'bailing on [my] family.'
                                                              ~The Blogging Fangirl

Depression: Not a Checklist

I'm so tired of people saying that something's 'not depression' just because it doesn't match their exact symptoms or symptom list. Here's the exact definition from Google:
Depression (noun): feelings of severe despondency and dejection.

From the Mayo Clinic: 
A mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depression, major depressive disorder, or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think, and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and depression may make you feel as if life isn't worth living.

From medicinenet.com:
Depression: An illness that involves the body, mood, and thoughts and that affects the way a person eats, sleeps, feels about himself or herself, and thinks about things. Depression is not the same as a passing blue mood. It is not a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be wished away. People with depression cannot merely 'pull themselves together' and get better. Without treatment, symptoms can last for weeks, months, or years. Appropriate treatment, however, can help most people with depression. The signs and symptoms of depression include loss of interest in activities that were once interesting or enjoyable, including sex; loss of appetite, with weight loss, or overeating, with weight gain; loss of emotional expression (flat affect); a persistently sad, anxious, or empty mood; feelings of hopelessness, pessimism, guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness; social withdrawal; unusualfatigue, low energy level, a feeling of being slowed down; sleep disturbance and insomnia, early-morning awakening or oversleeping; trouble concentrating, remembering, or making decisions; unusual restlessness or irritability; persistent physical problems such as headaches, digestive disorders, or chronic pain that do not respond to treatment, and thoughts of death or suicide or suicide attempts. The principal types of depression are called major depression, dysthymia, and bipolar disease (manic-depressive disease).

Depression is something that is different for everyone who suffers 

from it. So don't treat it like some checklist. It's not something that's 

obvious all the time to everyone. You have to really look for it, 

because it will be hidden. Just pay attention. And don't say it's not 

depression unless it's something like someone being 'depressed' 

because they got a low grade or didn't get the job they wanted.

                                                                ~The Blogging Fangirl

Ready

So ready for it all to end. Almost finished with this week.
                                                                     ~The Blogging Fangirl

Types of Attraction

                                                                  ~The Blogging Fangirl

What's Depression?

What is depression? What's it like? Why shouldn't it be a joke?

It's like drowning, but you can see everyone around you breathing.
It's like being murdered inside, but your scream is silent.
It's like you're unable to get any help, no matter what you do.

Everyone laughs at you. No one thinks that you're really sick. That you really need help. They make jokes about you. They think you're taking the easy way out and making something up to get out of doing the work. They don't understand that you're really sick. They can't see it, so they think it isn't real. They think your pain is fake. That there's no reason to 'waste money' helping you feel better when you're clearly just making it up. There are entire websites telling you that what you have doesn't exist. That you're selfish. That you're making it all up. That you just need to get over it, or make yourself feel better. No one understands. It's so, so lonely. And there's nothing you can do. You drown while everyone around you swims and no one can hear you screaming for help. Not until it's too late.
                                                                      ~The Blogging Fangirl

Develop Characters

Try this website to develop your characters better: www.charahub.com

                                                               ~The Blogging Fangirl

Getting Better

Today's been better. I wasn't in such a bad place all day. And I'm thinking about speaking at a retreat next year, which will help. I don't know why I've been in such a bad place for the past couple of days. But today seemed better. I talked with my mom, her fiance, and a few others. I felt better when we talked about something lighthearted. She still doesn't know I'm depressed. I'm not feeling suicidal today, which is good. 
                                                                                                       ~The Blogging Fangirl

Why People Commit Suicide

                                                             ~The Blogging Fangirl

Can't

                                                                      ~The Blogging Fangirl

My (Awful) Day

                                                                     ~The Blogging Fangirl

Inspiration from Rumi

                                                                     ~The Blogging Fangirl

This Day in History

Siam changed it's name to Thailand. (1949)
Bob Marley died of cancer in Miami at age 36. (1981)

IBM's supercomputer, Deep Blue, defeated Garry Kasparov, the reigning world champion, in a 6-game chess match. (1997)

                          ~2 for Blue, 1 for Kasparov, and 3 ties.

India set off atomic blasts. (1998)

91% of Lithuanian voters opted to join the European Union--The first former Soviet nation to do so. (2003)

Source: http://www.factmonster.com/dayinhistory

                                                                ~The Blogging Fangirl

Mother's Day 2015

Happy Mother's Day to all those mothers out there. Kids and teenagers, and even adults sometimes, don't say it enough. But thank you. We love you all and appreciate what you do for us. Take it from someone whose own mother is usually frustrated, tired, and run ragged, but still makes time for her. It's definitely worth it and means a lot to your kids. Keep up the incredible work. You're all super heroes! Happy Mother's Day!
                                                                    ~The Blogging Fangirl

Right to Refuse

Right now, I'm with my dad and his side of the family. We're having an early Mother's Day celebration for my Nana (grandmother on my Dad's side) and stepmother. Someone told my dad about my plans on Friday before I did, so he got upset and told me that I 'wasn't bailing on my family this time'. He acts like I'm some horrible person for making plans for anything. He never told me anything about this weekend! He can't keep doing this. I hate going over there anyway. But when no one tells me what's going on, I say I have a right to refuse to go.
                                                                      ~The Blogging Fangirl

Natilla

I'm working with a friend/classmate of mine to make natilla today. It's going to be delicious. I made some last year for my geography project. It looked kind of gross, but tasted really good. Hopefully it'll turn out even better this time. I can only hope. I'll be sleeping over too, which apparently upset my dad. He wanted to have me and my siblings over tonight, since it's his weekend. It's Mother's Day on Sunday though, so he can't have us then. So he wanted to have us over Friday and Saturday. But no one told me until I'd already made plans, and we can't rearrange them. So he's upset. He needs to get over himself.
                                                                        ~The Blogging Fangirl

Frustrated Again

I'm getting really frustrated with my dad. I'm on the brink of just telling him that if he can't tell me the plan before the day of, then I won't do it. I'm getting tired of doing whatever he wants and letting him tug me around left and right. I have to though. I, legally, can't just decide I don't want to visit him anymore. I'm too young. I don't know if that would change if someone knew it worsened my depression or not. I hope it would. 
                                                                       ~The Blogging Fangirl

So Tired of Everything

I'm so done with people giving me last minute things, expecting me to fix things when they won't do anything to fix it themselves, and and getting upset when I make plans and they've made other plans for me without telling me. Really, I'm just tired of everyone. I can't stand people, and the work just keeps piling up. I can't wait until it's all over. I want to go to sleep and never wake up.
                                                                     ~The Blogging Fangirl

Concert Night

Tonight is the night of the Spring Concert. I'm really nervous. It's burning up on stage. I'm worried I might pass out. I kind of feel light headed just thinking about it. I forget to breathe sometimes. What if I faint on stage? I felt like I would last year, but didn't want to leave unless I was sure of it. I think I may have hope this year though. There will be four songs for me to sing. I'm just lip-syncing through the first one, then singing the second, maybe some of the third and fourth. I'm not sure yet. We'll just have to see how I'm feeling then. At least I get a late arrival tomorrow.
                                                                      ~The Blogging Fangirl

Frustrated (Is It Worth It?)

I've just been so frustrated with everyone today. I want to kill myself. I don't know what to do. I'm nervous and frustrated. My head hurts. I had to give my presentation today when I thought I didn't have to. And I haven't finished my homework for tomorrow. Finals are coming up, I have to spend more time with my dad......I don't know. Maybe it's not worth it anymore. Maybe it's time to just give up and let depression win. I just don't feel like anything's actually worth it right now.
                                                                      ~The Blogging Fangirl

I Don't Know

I don't know. I want to die, but I don't. I want to skip over everything, but I wouldn't know where to go if I could. I have so many problems and no idea how to fix any of them. I don't know what to do. I have so much stress, but don't do anything about it. I'm tired, but don't sleep. 
                                                                        ~The Blogging Fangirl

Cat Trees and Cats

I built a little something for my cats today, so they could have space for themselves. They now have their own little platform that I built from boxes and pillows. It's really simple and easy for me to make. I just hope they'll use it and it'll help calm them down and get rid of some bad behavior. They need their own space so they can feel more relaxed. Even if you can't buy a cat tree for your cat(s), you can always build a little something simple.

                                                                      ~The Blogging Fangirl

Better Day

Today was better than the rest of the week has been. I had the day off school, which helped. I was calmer and got to wake up when I was ready. I'm still tired though. I was awake for a short period of time, when I felt like I could really handle the day. Now I just want to go back to bed. I'm feeling better though. Not upset. Not particularly happy either though. I've had a few happy moments though. It's been one of my better days.
                                                                ~The Blogging Fangirl